I remember when I was a child, my older sister held a knife against my throat when we were doing the dishes.

To everyone on the outside, my family was just a normal family, but my family wasn’t as normal on the inside as we made it look to those on the outside.

Because on the inside there was a lot of psychological abuse.

So giving you a little background about my family…

I was living in this Mormon family, and the religion was very strict.

My family was very strict with what we should and shouldn’t do and how we should be doing things.

My sister was like the perfect child. She could never do anything wrong in the eyes of my parents.

I was always looked at as the wicked child, the one they never wanted, the mistake.

Because when I told my parents that my sister was holding knives against my throat, they would automatically assume that I had done something to provoke it, which I never did, and they told me that it was my fault and told me to go away.

I remember one time screaming when my sister was holding a knife against my throat.

My father came in and yelled at me, assuming that I had done something to provoke my sister.

I ran out of the kitchen and into my bedroom and hid under the bed.

Where I was dragged horridly and nastily out from under the bed, being bruised and scratched along the way. I felt angry and humiliated, as though I did not belong in that family.

Whilst dragging me out from under the bed, my father was yelling at me,

“You’ll drive your mother into an early grave.”

You’re a naughty child.

You’ll never make anything of yourself.

Why can’t you be like your sister?

He then put me over his knee and hit me with the buckle of his strap.

I felt the pain of the buckle smashing down on my bottom and while my father was hitting me, the only thoughts going through my mind besides the agonizing pain was that I could never do anything right; I wasn’t loved, and I wasn’t wanted. I could never do anything right, even though I didn’t do anything to provoke my sister.

It felt horrible and painful and his anger towards me really frightened me…

I felt alone and angry that I was being treated like this.

The thoughts that went through my mind were that I wasn’t loved, I wasn’t wanted.

That I could never do anything right. Even though I didn’t do anything to provoke my sister.

But I don’t want you to see me as a victim because that was the past.

And I’m a completely different person now.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my life that have strengthened me, such as.

The realisation that there wasn’t anything I could have done differently in that moment to prevent it from happening.

That it was in no way my fault

That if anything like that ever happened again that I had to stand up for myself.

Your past does not define who you are now and what your life will be like now.

I now feel empowered that I can stand up for myself now.

Looking back, the only thing I could have done differently was not tell my parents what my sister was doing and stand up for myself with my sister.

What would you have done in my situation, and have you ever experienced something like that yourself or a close friend of yours?

Copyright © 2022 Lynette Diehm.

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