As per my video, I used to be a very nervous, anxious person. I was very shy and withdrawn from the world.
It was not until I learnt who I was on the inside and let my inner child shine I came out of my shell and showed people who I really am. I was so introverted and withdrawn; it was not funny. I was the very awkward little child a good child who was treated poorly by family who developed a deep-seated consciousness about myself though being told by family and other children at school that I was dumb, stupid, would never amount too much, that I had a heart of stone and that no one will ever and can ever love me, that I was fat and I was ugly. The other children at school took great pleasure in teasing me about my appearance and because they could see I was different to them.
The teasing, taunting, and bullying words from my childhood years ended up being limiting beliefs of mine all throughout my teenage years up till I was in my early 30s. I dated a couple of guys in my teenage years who weren’t the nicest people to be dating as they had their own issues and didn’t know how to treat women in general and so I would get dumped for the next best thing or cheated on.
When I ended my 10 year de facto relationship when I was 28 or 29, it was because he was having an affair and cheating on me with my best friend. I then had to pick myself up and start again from scratch with very little in the way of friends and family to support me.
I started dating a couple of years later. I first started chatting to people on an internet dating site call “Meet My Best Friend”. This dating site was recommended to be by a very close friend of mine. I chatted with one guy there for 2 months, then we exchanged numbers. His profile was very well written, and he had recommendations from his friends on his character on that site, so I actually thought he was legitimate. It showed him as living in England and when we spoke on the phone, he had a British accent. We would speak and text every day. He owned his own business. One day he asked me for $800 for a course his secretary had to do, which apparently the course provider would not take British pounds for payment. I was naïve at the time and it felt so much like love that I paid it for him as was going to transfer the money to me after I made the payment. Then he started getting expensive things sent to my place to me but were to be sent on from my place to his place for his for his mother’s Christmas present.
He did that twice and then the police came knocking at my door and they told me I was being scammed by a Nigerian scam artist and that broke my heart. Apparently, he was purchasing those items with a stolen credit card. I felt so heartbroken and humiliated from it.
It took me many, many, many months to forgive myself for falling for it.
The next year I thought I would give internet dating another go and well one guy arranged to meet me at a coffee shop that was local to where I lived but then never showed up and didn’t even ring to tell me be couldn’t make it. Another guy turned out to differ completely from his profile and profile photo. He was a weird, awkward looking Egor like fellow who was so dark and negative on life it wasn’t funny I just wanted to run but I was still a people pleaser back then so I stayed a little while then made an excuse to get out of there and left. Another guy we got along really well, and we had dinner and then he told me he had forgotten his wallet and that I would have to pay for both mine and his dinner. This was so rude, of course. He hadn’t left his wallet at home at all, but as soon as he had found out what I did for a living, he figured I could afford it.
Other guys on the internet dating sites would invite me to meet them but it would be at their places and I would say no as you could tell straight away that all they wanted was sex, and I wasn’t going to but myself in an unsafe situation with them. Others would pretend they wanted a relationship only for me to find out later that they only wanted a friend with benefits or a sex buddy, and so I broke things off with them. Some of the guys were womanisers and some of them looked completely different to their photos and some didn’t even speak the same to me like they did on the dating sites.
I used to constantly get approached by men for sex, casual sex and one-night stands and I turned them all down.
It used to drive me nuts, as I used to get hit on by married men at work and at clubs and bars. And I also had a lot of my male friend express interest in me. They were awesome guys, just not my type.
I remember though before every single date I would work myself up in to a nervous, anxious frenzy as these guys seemed really awesome on line and I hoped that they would be the same in real life and I wanted to be in a relationship of substance. And so the nervous anxiety would kick in before the date with me thinking things like what if this happened, what if that happened, what if they don’t like me and then what if they do like me. Soo many “what if” thoughts of the unknown future ran through my head and it felt to be the same time. These were the things that made me feel nervous and anxious, as well as the limiting beliefs I had developed as a child in my childhood about myself. These limiting beliefs did not serve me at all they gave me on self-love, no self-respect, and a very low self-esteem.
It was not until I got really annoyed with what I was attracting in my life that I realised that what really needed to change was me and my internal relationship with myself. I had to woman up and build up my self-love, self-respect, and my self-esteem.
Now because of that realisation and the work I did on myself I am attracting a better quality of people in to my life and I have put standards and boundaries in place that help me with my self-respect, self-love and self-esteem and when I go out on dates now I am not nervous or anxious anymore I am just being me calm cool and relaxed and at the slightest hint of something being off with the other persons will leave immediately as my relationship with myself and my safety are the most important things to me in my life apart from my health.
I now see dating as another opportunity to make another friend that is single. Of course, I still dress up for dates and I would hope that the guy does to if he wants to make a good impression. I expect for the first couple of months that if we make it that far that we go out for dinner and drinks and that they guy is old-fashioned and will volunteer to pay for dinner and or drinks as my good male friends do and they aren’t even interested in dating me. After those couple of months, if it starts to get serious, then I will start to pay my own way with things.
One guy once let me pay for everything and when I wanted to go out to dinner once he told me he didn’t believe in going to dinner and spending money on restraints and that we should stay at his place all the time. I dropped him like a hot cake as that meant he was only interested in a sex buddy that would pay for everything for him. I have more self-respect and dignity than to stay with someone like that. He rang me a year later, wanting me back as apparently the other girls he had dated weren’t up to the standard I was and I simply said no thanks and left it at that.
It is important when you are dating to have a mindset that is not on the what ifs but on the making a new friend space as then you can be yourself and be comfortable around the other person. I have coached a couple of my clients on how to be in the right head space when dating and they have told me that my coaching has help them quite a lot with the dating scene. Remember, though, dating and a good relationship all stars with you and your relationship with yourself. ©
Copyright © 2022 Lynette Diehm.
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