There was a time when I felt adrift, even though I was in a relationship with a man who cherished me deeply. Despite his loving efforts to make me happy, I was engulfed in a sea of unhappiness. It was a perplexing paradox; I had lost sight of my own identity, my desires, and needs. I was so immersed in ensuring his happiness, driven by a fear of losing him, that I neglected myself. This narrative echoes the experiences of many women we connect with at Dare To Be You.
Once I realized he was ‘The One,’ my inner critic relentlessly questioned my worthiness. In an attempt to silence this doubt, I let go of my own aspirations, focusing solely on his. This fear prevented me from expressing my true feelings, leading to emotional eruptions that left both of us bewildered.
In this process of adapting to what I thought he needed, I crossed my own boundaries. I realized that in doing so, I was:
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- Disrespecting myself by not expressing my needs clearly and consistently.
- Inhibiting his growth and not allowing him the opportunity to be the supportive partner he desired to be.
It’s a common belief that men are ‘fixers’; instinctively wanting to protect their loved ones from pain. Yet, despite our deep love and commitment, we found ourselves trapped in a cycle of lacking intimacy and deep connection, too fearful of the reactions and consequences of honest communication.
I couldn’t fathom why I was so unhappy, why despite my best efforts, I couldn’t seem to please him. It was then that I started to embrace the mantra ‘If it’s to be, it’s up to me’ to find happiness. This realization highlighted a crucial lack of boundaries in our relationship. When we lack boundaries, we often:
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- Assume others think and feel as we do.
- Believe they have the same talents and abilities.
- Think others judge us as we judge ourselves.
But this is far from the truth. Each person’s experiences, beliefs, and values taint their unique perspective. It was this misunderstanding that led to losing myself, feeling dissatisfied, and inadvertently attracting unwanted experiences into our lives.
The turning point came when I began to share openly, setting a framework for healthy communication: “Can I speak freely without you taking it personally?” This approach allowed me to express my feelings calmly and trustingly, encouraging him to support me in addressing our issues.
If my story resonates with you, I’d love to hear how you’ve supported your loved ones’ growth and, in turn, how they’ve supported you. Share your experiences and join the conversation at www.daretobeyou.net.au, where we explore the journey of being truly outstanding in life and unstoppable in our relationships.
Copyright © 2023 Lynette Diehm.
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